Belonging

I can honestly say I don't really know my place in this country. I'm not exactly wanted by the Indians, nor do I feel completely accepted by westerners. I'm stuck in the middle. Now my friends who are reading this will be like,"But Ravi, we love you man." I know you guys do, but it's just how I've always felt.

I describe myself as a really tan white guy to my friends. I'm not very Indian at all. I could care less about Hinduism, I eat meat, and I criticize almost everything in my culture/family. I don't exactly feel accepted here either. Every now and then I get the "Go back to where you came from" remark thrown at me and it's really frustrating. This is my country, my home. I have no where else to go.

My family is very judgmental, and they are hesitant to change away from the old country. My parents push the family agenda on me... they fear what the family thinks of them. I am to marry a nice Indian girl who is a Patel (not a relative... just the same caste). They also push the religious crap on me, which makes me want to do it even less. I have a feeling that's why I'm becoming agnostic. To make matters even worse they really try making Chandni (my sister) and I play the family politics. I could give less than two shits what my so called family thinks of me. I'd rather not play the game and do what makes me happy.

My parents...
I love my parents don't get me wrong, but they just piss me off. I honestly think they care more about what "my family" thinks than my own happiness. Example: I really think they would rather see me marry a Indian girl and me be miserable than seeing me with someone who I really do like. Has anyone noticed this marriage issue continuously brought up in my blogs? It's a huge deal.

Me:
I am nothing like most Indian guys. I do not conform to my parents wishes. No Indian kid has the juevos that I do. I straight up tell them how it is. I date white girls (which they hate), I do what I want, and I honestly could care less about conforming for the family.

This move to California for me isn't just for school. I'm leaving some room for something that needs to happen...

In the end I'm not marrying an Indian girl. I've told myself this since I was 13 years old. This is going to tip everything over the edge. I will be shunned... temporarily. I can't see my own parents outcasting their own son for more than a few years. Maybe I should rephrase that... I can't see my dad outcasting me for more than a few years. My mom couldn't do it for more than a few months. My parents need to see how retarded they are. What's more important... their own son or the rest of my so called family.

My move to California is supposed to brace me for living on my own without their support. I know I can't rely on them.

This is why I don't feel connected to anything... I'm alone.