Fake Tales of San Francisco

Next time I decide that I'm going to move or whatever the case may be, I'm not telling a single person until I'm two weeks away from going.

People ask too many questions, and right now, I don't feel like answering them. That is my own fault. If I just kept my mouth shut I wouldn't have to explain "why" I'm not going anymore. It would remain a secret.

The Rising Sun

Since I decided against going to San Fran I've been noticing images, and the name of the city everywhere I look (magazines, advertisements, news) and it's driving me nuts. When I see the images, or name all I do is sigh and stare at it. The reason being because there is a memory tied to it that makes me feel connected.

Moving there was going to be my way out of this routine. I'm bored of being here. Even while I was in high school I told myself that I am going to get away from this place, and explore other parts of this country. A year and a half later, I'm still here, wasting away. Since the beginning, I thought Washington DC would be a good fit for me. Going to DC was actually my goal when I started my first semester of school here. With what I want to do right now, DC is the best place for me to try and pursue that dream.

During the summer this year I changed it to San Fran. I felt like I found my scape goat. When I visited there in October I really did fall in love with the city. But as I started thinking more and more about the situation; I noticed that my priorities shifted from getting away to it being for someone else. I didn't think that was fair to either her, or myself. Lets face it, I would've not been happy if I wasn't going for ME. If your personal happiness isn't satisfied, you can't make someone else happy. I would eventually feel like I sacrificed more than she did, and it would just destroy everything. I would eventually be there, heart broken and feeling completely alone. I would've regretted going in the first place.

I then decided to come back to my original dream. If my dream fails, at least I know I attempted to pursue it. I wouldn't want someone to change everything for me, that in its self would be a burden. We are too young to give up on our dreams, and settle for something. I would hate myself if I didn't at least try.

If I fail I can always go to the city by the bay.

Besides the practical knowledge which defeat offers, there are important personality profits to be taken. Defeat strips away false values and makes you realize what you really want. It stops you from chasing butterflies and puts you to work digging gold.
-William Moulton Marston

I kind of do hope Ellen and I meet again. She definitely left a lasting impression on me. I wonder if I left one on her.

Astray

I have no idea what I'm doing right now. Over the past two weeks so much has happened that I don't know how to react, or how to tackle those problems. I've been quiet, unhappy, and just feeling completely aimless. What the hell am I doing? I seriously just lay on my bed and do nothing. I'm feeling lost again.

Accountability

At the end of the day you have no one to answer to but yourself. You don't have to be a Rockefeller to accomplish everything in life. If you see something you want- go for it. No one can stop you from your dreams.
If you fail, at least you know you failed trying instead of doing nothing. You, and only you, control your future. No one else.

Adventure.

This summer I want to do something that almost sounds crazy and impractical. I want to vanish for a month. More than likely I will be gone for 2 weeks easy.

When I say vanish, I seriously want to drop off the map. I don't want people to know where I am, and what I'm doing. This would obviously be family and friends. I want to see if I could do such a thing. Not only that but I would like to visit a new city every 2 or so days.

To do this, I can't log into blogs, or social networking sites. I can't even take my cell phone or credit cards. I can't accidentally slip up and say where I am, which is why i would be prohibited from doing those things. If people really want to find me they will, but I just want to make it a little difficult.

During the 2 weeks, I will roam around the country going from city to city. I just want to do a whole bunch of stuff and come back with interesting storys to tell. More than likely I'd wait till I'm 21 to undertake such an adventure. And by then I will have the financial means of accomplishing such a trip.

I may be crazy, but this idea seems awesome to me. I will not back down.

What could've happened?

I sit here right now thinking about what could have it been.

I know a lot of people get hit by that at one point or another. For me, this would be probably the second time that I am having this conversation. Last night I pretty much ended the chances on something before it started. I'm glad I did though, because in all honesty I could never be happy moving across the country for the wrong reasons. I'm smart enough to know right now that I was at fault. My hopes were high on something that hadn't even started.

I'll probably lie awake in bed for the next few weeks thinking about all of this. I know I made the right decision, it just feels like I wasted both of our time. Also, where do I go from here?

The right decision

When have you made the right decision? I am typically always at war with myself over this question. I'm sure someone else may hit the same road block one day.

When you have made the right decision you won't ever look back on it. You won't second guess yourself, nor will you have any doubts. If you aren't concrete on the decision, you might be making a mistake.

Long Distance.

So why is it that this long distance thing with Ellen is fairly easy for me.

Well we never made it official. Ellen and I are together but not making it official saves us from the jealousy that typically occurs during long distance relationships. I will admit I can be a jealous guy at times, and this was probably for the best.

Personally I put up with wall for my own safety. I try not to get too attached to the other person. I have found that letting your guard down typically hurts you really bad when a break up does occur. Would I continue having this "wall" up after a year or so in a relationship? Probably not. I'm sure by then it would fall on it's own. When I do put my guard down though, is when I start really liking that person.

This may sound a bit mean, but we don't get in each others way. We follow our daily routine, squeezing in each others text messages in between down time. I'm sure you know what I'm trying to say.

I trust her.

I really want to see how we make this work. Ellen and I are a good match I think. Sure we have many differences, but I think we could learn a lot from each other.

We have been upfront with each other.

We have found different ways of communicating.

1. We text message back and forth everyday; which is nice because we can respond to each other as we find the time. We have busy schedules right now and it works out well.
2. We call each other every now and then. It's kind of hard to find time when both of us are doing nothing. But when we do talk, our conversations can last for quite a bit of time.
3. SKYPE! Skype is awesome because we can see each other. The down side we have noticed is that we tend to stare more than we do talk. It's really distracting when we are trying to talk. My mind typically goes blank when I see her, and I smile A LOT.
4. We write letters. We have sent quite a bit of letters to each other. The thing we love most about them is how personal they are. You may thing we run out of stuff to talk about... but we don't. Our minds are always brainstorming up questions, and topics. We tend to save the more personal questions and topics for the letters.
   

I really can't think of other reasons right now...